I yelled more than I like to admit these days. I felt nervous, stressed and had a hard time controlling my emotions. I tried hard – don't take me wrong – but my patience didn't seem to keep up with me. My children or my husband would push a button and I'd lose it.
I am often proud of myself as a mother and of what I have managed to change about myself to raise my children the way I believe to be right. It is a mountain that I have been climbing for almost 6 years and I have become quite good at predicting the most stable footholds.
Then sometimes, like these days, I step in the wrong place and I slide a few tens of meters back. From there, I take a deep breath, find my balance and start to climb again.
Why am I telling you this? Because as much as I try to show my vulnerabilities and my difficulties, the internet is deceiving and the last thing I want is for you to think I'm a perfect mother. The perfect mom doesn't exist.
Do you know why it seems to you that I can handle uncomfortable situations better than the average parent? Because making mistakes doesn't scare me. Because every time I slip and slide down the mountain, I'm just a little further from the top, that's all. I start to climb up again.
I look inside myself, see where I went wrong, apologize to my children/husband and then get back to work. And work often has little to do with parenting: it has more to do with self-acceptance, with taking care of myself and my body, with finding time to be alone with myself, with giving myself forgiveness, with admitting my own limits. But truth is, the work doesn't scare me, it scares me more not to do it.
All of this doesn't make me a perfect mother nor a great mother; it makes me an aware mother.
Aware of the fact that if we want to help our children reach their maximum potential, we must first bring out ours. If we want our children to become complete, balanced human beings, we must be complete and balanced ourselves. If we want them to know how to take responsibility for their actions, we must first model with our behaviour.
And aware of the fact that personal evolution is not a one-way arrow. It's got progress and setbacks. If we're aware of it, it's a lot easier to start the climb again when we slip.
PS. This post comes from a series of public and private messages that I often receive on Instagram saying that I am a "great", "extraordinary" mother, "an example": no, I'm just a mom who's aware of my her personal evolution.