Much of my “educational method” is based on teaching empathy to my children through my example.
Empathy is something I had to learn myself in order to use it with my children - especially during crisis (the so-called “tantrums”), when they seems to cry for nothing, when I don't understand them, when it feels like they’re challenging me…
Those are the times when, if I show empathy, they learn it. They learn it for the next time, for when they argue with their siblings, for when a friend .
If I am not a parent who learns to be a parent, I cannot expect my children to be people who learn to be people.
How I show empathy
Here are some of my favorite ways to model empathy for my kids, especially in a moment of crisis (when they cry, yell or hit):
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Silence and breathe: sometimes just stopping, offering our presence and keeping our breathing calm is enough. If they let me hug them, I hold them and slow down my breathing: my calm is their calm.
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A gentle touch: touch their arm, back or hand. Sometimes, our physical presence communicates beyond our words. Also, I try to use as few words as possible when your child is struggling: if I notice I'm talking too much and telling them off, I stop and say, "We can talk about it later, would you like a hug now?".
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Listen actively: sometimes kids don’t need our words, they need us to listen to theirs. A good way to start is, "I hear you", "I understand you", even if you don't.
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Make sounds: sometimes a simple sound like “Oh”, “Mmm”, “Ah-ha” lets our kids know that we are listening and that we "get it”. It also helps to take time while we think what words to use.
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"Tell me more about that": when they're calm enough to talk, showing interest in your child’s words speaks volume. It means “I’m interested, I’m listening, I care, I love you”. "What did you do?" might start the conversation with the assumption that the child caused their own emotion. "What happened?" might lead to a conversation the child is not ready yet to have. "Tell me more" is neutral, the child is in control of the conversation.
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Describe their emotion: by naming the emotion, you help your child understand what they’re feeling. “That sounds _____ [overwhelming, disappointing, frustrating, sad, scary]”. It also encourages them to think about their feelings (They might say, “No, I'm not *angry*. I’m *sad*”) which engages the reasoning part of the brain and helps them calm down. When you name the emotion, you're more likely to tame it.
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Be your child’s “interpreter”: translate their emotions and reactions. “You didn't want to [hurt your sister; spill water; hit the child]. You were trying to… [play with your sister, but instead you pushed her; pour water in the glass, but instead you poured it on the table; take your toy back from the child who took it from you]”. BUT I don't justify the behaviour, I understan it, and welcome the feeling before talking about the behaviour.
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Observe: reflect on the cause. What caused the crisis? When I understand it, I can usually "help" my chidlren more efficiently. Observation is a powerful tool when it comes to parenting.
What I (try to) avoid
- I don't generalize: try to avoid using adverbs like "never" and "always". ❌ "You are always the same", "You never tidy up".
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I don't threaten: try to avoid talking about the future, stay in the present. ❌ "If you don't help tidy up, Oliver won't want to play with you next time".
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I don't raise my voice: there are little things in our brain called mirror neurons, which reflect other people's emotion. If you're angry, guess what emotion your child will reflect back.
If I do any of the above, I usually understand it very quickly, because instead of calming the crisis, I make it worse. The crying increases. The screaming intensifies. My kids throw themselves onto the floor.
I take a deep breath (two, maybe), and then I use one of the methods listed above to show empathy, give control back to the rational part of the brain, and connect again with my children.